As a child, for many reasons, I adopted the belief that I wasn't good enough. What I learned was that oppositional behaviour got me more attention than conforming. And, during my childhood years I got into the habit of misbehaving which naturally resulted in punishment that only fed my negative self-belief.
Because of all of this, and the associated beliefs, I subconsciously created more and more situations to reinforce my thinking. It wasn't until I entered Psychotherapy in my mid 20s that I started to bring all of this into my consciousness. But, whenever things started to go well, I found I would subconsciously self-sabotage to again reinforce my old beliefs.
Recently I've started using a new sleep remedy and because of that I'm sleeping more soundly than I have in a decade. I'm waking far less in the night too. This means that I wake up feeling refreshed and more alive. I have energy. I have a spring in my step. And to be perfectly honest, having this much energy and feeling this good, really feels quite strange.
Over the last few days, I have found myself wanting to overeat and to eat foods that I know don't give me the energy I usually enjoy. Why? Because once again, my very, very old beliefs that I don't deserve good things have surfaced. It's almost like this is too good to be true and it will go bad soon so let's make it go bad before it does. I'm actually feeling quite uncomfortable with feeling so energised. Like I said, this a totally foreign concept for me. Yes, I have felt good since I changed my diet to a whole foods one and cut out caffeine and alcohol, but this is a whole new level of energy. I wake up alert, refreshed and with a clear head and I've not experienced that for a very long time.
I'm always amazed at how habits of a lifetime can re-emerge time and time again, even when we think we've dealt with it and found a new way to manage it. This just goes to show, that in terms of personal development, if we are to grow and continue growing, we must always be on guard. Being on high alert to all of our thoughts, feelings and actions, is the only way.
Our old ways of coping and beliefs that we created a deeply ingrained within our psyche. They are who we are and will re-emerge in new and uncertain situations. This is something I learned when I was in psychotherapy many years ago, but of course, it is not something we can practice until each new situation arises.
So how do I deal with this? It's a matter of going back to basics, using positive self talk, journaling, being very aware of my thoughts my feelings and my actions and processing these as they arise whenever it's possible.
I'd love to know if you have self-sabotage challenges and how you deal with them. Tell us in the comments.
Until next time,