Even now, 45 years after my mother's death, it still impacts my life in ways that surprise me.
You may or may not know I recently closed down my business, Upcycled & Co. It was time. I'd been doing it six years, and my yearning to move back into the personal development space had been growing stronger and stronger all that time. What happened next was quite unexpected.
Once I closed it down and the noise from the paint orders and inquiries and the messages about how disappointed and frustrated people were, I started to experience something else.
Over the last week I found myself slipping into a depression. What I didn't realise was that this was directly linked to loss I felt when my mother died.
When she died, I quite naturally felt like massive feelings of, who am I now that I don't have a mother? Not that I consciously remember thinking this at the time, but I do know from the inner work I have done over the years that this is how I felt.
This past week, doing some reflection and some inner work, I realised that when I have big changes in my life, ones that have some kind of loss element and grief to them, my psyche goes back to that day when my life changed forever. The day I felt lost, helpless, hopeless and devastated. But also, when I felt, who am I without this?
This is something I've experienced a couple of other times in my life and if I'm honest, probably more than often. When relationships have broken up. When I left my job as a Flight Attendant with Air New Zealand I distinctly remember having this conversation with my psychotherapist. I remember saying, who am I without this? I felt the same when I did the corporate world. It was almost as if I'd hang my identity on those things subconsciously.
So, this week has been interesting. Once again I've gone to that dark place, being quiet, withdrawn, feeling sad, angry and working it all through with my personal coach. And as always, coming out the other side, which is where I'm at now.
I'm interested to know, is there something in your life from your past that impacts your life today that you need to remain aware of?