At times my fear has completely controlled my choices. Completely. If I'd been able to break through to the other side of my fear, my life would have been entirely different.
My fear is what has stopped me from being who I really am, and want to be - an author and teacher expressing myself by sharing what I'm learning, as I am here. This is my true and authentic self.
So, what has kept me from realising this dream? Of course, it is fear. I've dipped my toe in the water with this so many times. For decades I have caused myself great frustration each time I have pulled back. As I now move forward with this again, all of my fears are coming up. My inner critic is going flat out telling me all of the reasons I cannot and should not continue. Now my job is to work with that part of myself so I can make this happen.
Being judged and laughed at is my biggest fear and this is what has stopped me in the past. Connecting with these thoughts saddens me deeply, and I know that so many others share similar feelings. But how can we move beyond that. This is my question to myself, and to you, right now.
As I'm figuring this out, I'm discovering much about myself. Old patterns, habits, messages from childhood, and stories I have told myself that are either true or untrue, hold me back. Each time I put pen to paper I wonder who is going to read my post and how they will judge me. Whether they criticise what I write about, how I write; my spelling, grammar and prose, or who they believe I am. It all hurts.
But, what I am finding as I explore this more within myself, is that I'm developing a deep inner, I don't give a damn part to my being. I don't actually care what anyone thinks. I'm not here to try to be perfect, perfection does not exist, I discovered that decades ago and no longer strive for it. I'm here because being on this page makes my heart and soul sing. I'm here because I genuinely want to express myself. I'm here in the hope that what I share may inspire just one person. And if it doesn't, so be it. I'm here for me.
In my paragraph above, I have answered my own question. By continuing to do what I do, I'm building that stronger part of myself, and I'm being reminded of why I do this. I'm acutely reminded of my critics too, but their opinion does not matter.
From past experience I know that the only way out is through, no matter what the situation. There is no way to go over, around, above or below; there is only head on. Being gentle with myself as I navigate this process is part of my journey too, and something I have had to learn. My grief is part of my journey and needs to be processed along the way, but that is life and that is where the gold is.
The irony of facing our biggest fears is that we find pure joy on the other side.
I know that on the other side of fear is joy. I know this from experience.
Remembering this is key.