Being horizontal for three weeks was not part of my plan. At first I couldn't even walk. Needing to call out to my husband in the middle of the night to help me off the toilet was the first indicator that it was not good. Literally crawling on my hands and knees that first day, and when necessary, using all my might, furniture and walking poles to pull myself to a standing position, was excruciating. With pain shooting down my lower back into my buttocks and leg, I was certain it was sciatica (which I'd had before) and that it would heal
by itself.
Well, it did not and after a couple of days in that state with unbelievable pain, I took myself off to the Physio. It was diagnosed as a Lumbar Sprain that could take 6-12 weeks to heal.
The first week and a half were incredibly painful. I couldn't do anything I normally did. I couldn't dress myself. I couldn't turn over in bed.
And then it became very, very frustrating. I wanted this to be over, but to be perfectly honest, by this stage I was getting a little concerned, even though the Physio had assured me my symptoms and rate of recovery were perfectly normal.
As I lay on my bed (or on the couch) day after day, as instructed by the Physio, I began to connect with the reason this was happening. Yes, the sprain was from pushing the motor mower through thick kikuyu grass up a slope, a part of the lawn my husband usually does with the ride-on mower, but this day I was feeling particularly good and thought it would be good exercise. Basically, I was pushing myself hard, something I do so often.
This was the third time this year I'd literally been horizontal for weeks for health reasons. To cut a long story short, now after three weeks I'm on the mend. But what did I learn from three weeks on my back. I learned that it's time to make some changes. It's time to examine why I have spent so much time being unwell this year, and what I can do to prevent it happening again.
Basically, I have been pushing myself too hard, too often. Again. Stopping but not really stopping. Always doing. Never being. And even though I'd been doing my daily yoga and meditation practices, I was still rushing from one thing to the next, if not physically, then mentally. This had to change.
Examining my life to find what brought me joy and what did not was where I started. I'd realised earlier in the year I was doing some things that I no longer enjoyed. But, I did not stop them; instead I pushed myself harder, an old pattern that clearly was not working. If it was, I wouldn't be in this place.
Next, with the help of the amazing, Gilly Godward - Soul Coach & Intuitive Energy Healer, I began really listening to my intuition, and really nurturing my inner child. What I also did was start to say no. I began putting space in between my doing; space to think, to meditate more, to journal and to process the myriad of thoughts and feelings going through my being. And, I made a decision to do only what brings me joy.
As I begin to heal and put my life back together following this injury, I'm going slowly. I'm being kind to myself. I no longer want to push myself hard, to berate myself or to feel guilty. I'm thinking carefully about what and who I keep and bring into my life, and who I let go of. The biggest thing I have re-learned recently is that I know what I need. I have a deep inner knowing, a wise self, that is always with me. And, my job now is to remain connected to that, and the Universe, God or whatever greater source there is.
This work will take an ongoing conscious effort each and every day, but I know I can do it.
With love,
