Today, whilst listening to an audio book, and completing a meditation in the content, I have reconnected with what I am longing for. Making the connection between our behaviours and desires can give us the opportunity to forgive, appreciate and accept ourselves.
For some months now I have been following Tara Brach. She describes her work as mindful attention to our inner life, and a full, compassionate engagement with our world. The result is a distinctive voice in Western Buddhism, one that offers a wise and caring approach to freeing ourselves and society from suffering.
In her book, Radical Compassion which I'm currently listening to I have today undertaken a meditation that looks at longing and wanting. As I was guided through the meditation, Tara prompts to look at what it is we are really wanting and longing for. My response was immediate, I want to be a good girl.
As a child I made a decision that I was bad, and this carried on into my early adult life. It was this incorrect assumption that I now realise has been my driver for trying to be good enough. This old and unwarranted thinking has been with me for way too long through my desires to achieve more, do more and be more.
The question towards the end of the meditation was this: What would like be like if you accepted that you already have that within you?
This is what brought me to tears. I do already have this within me, I have had it all along, I just have not allowed myself to fully embrace that I am good enough. Yes, at times over the years I have, but it comes up again and again which of course if absolutely normal. It is those very old beliefs that take so much work repeatedly over time. What I do find now though is that getting to the place of deciding for myself that I am indeed good enough, comes much more easily. At times I forget that is all. At times I slip back into old patterns of working harder and harder to be good enough. At times I forget I already am.
Sharing this has me feeling extremely vulnerable but I do so because of two things: (1) It is an important part of my journey, and (2) There will undoubtedly be someone else who recognises this in themselves and my hope is that they too can get to a place of knowing they are good enough.
In my opinion, our healing work never ends and there is always more to do. But what I do know for sure if that with each step we take on that journey, comes more love of ourselves, and an ability to live life more fully.
Question: How have your thoughts of not being good enough impacted your life to date? What is it that you are longing for most? Let me know in the comments or email me here.